I really do know how lucky I am right now. As much as I f€£%*ing hate that word, sometimes there are no replacements.

In between…

   

Mother Day- in NYC.

My problem is that I’m a morning person. And a night person. And that means that I dont sleep a lot. I ‘do’ a lot. But I don’t sleep a lot.

I’m not unique in this dilemna, and two factors- having young kids, and living in NYC ( both from the activities/ inspiration/ exploration factor, and from the 2 bedroom with 2 loud kids factor)- look like this pattern of minimal sleep will continue…

Another consideration is that our weekend time is predominantly up to us to manage- right or wrong, we don’t have the kids enrolled in a bunch of activities yet, and have instead made a choice for this spring to put that planning of activities on us. They both spend long days away from us right now, and both get a nice exposure to other kids, and through their childcare programs, they’re involved in semi-organized extracurricular activities. (I can taste the guilt and doubt seeping into my words, as hard as I try to be confident in our decision…!)
As a result of these circumstances (I say ‘choice’ maybe a bit too generously as part of this is again a result of us just falling into certain plans because we’re still adjusting to living in this new place, and might not be as proactive as we had been in our previously home), our weekends are here for us (me, as a spaz, I know) to sort out.
And I know how fortunate I am for that luxury. And I f$&$ing love it.
But again, that only means that any stress I might feel in juggling on the weekend is my own fault. What a stupid thing to even think about!!
So- with that, you can either perpetuate the anxiety of needing to ‘make the most make most make the most’ by feeling like you’re never going to be doing or seeing or tasting or hearing enough…. Or, you can actually unselfishly and genuinely ENJOY and appreciate the luxurious position you find yourself in, a wealth of experiences, as big or as small, as new or as old as you like.
Tomorrow will come. And change will happen.
So let’s see what today is all about.

Is it possible to bring the feelings from vacation into your other ‘every day’ life?

Where I am in my life, vacations represent rest. And calm. And ease. And unstructured, unplanned, unscheduled days, blending into more similar days.
There is no alarm, no choreography of lunch-making, outfit -picking-out the night before, of hurriedly shovelling in toast, of shuffling to a make an already late drop-off, to elbowing through a commute… All before 9am…
There’s a wake-up to the body’s alarm, there’s a lazy sipping of too many cups of coffee, to turning off the surveying, the thinking ahead, the planning… And just letting the days happen.
There was a time when vacations represented an opportunity to fill my creative buckets, to be inspired by new senses, taking in new foods, and smells, and sights until I’d collapse in a happy exhaustion at the end of each holiday day, the exciting experiences of the day replaying in my mind as I drifted off.
Maybe it’s living in New York, maybe it’s having two young kids- maybe it’s a combination of both, but I’m at peace with my new ‘unplugged’ version of holidays.

So to carry any of that calm, that rest, that suntanned glow forward to ‘real-life’ … Is that even possible? Isn’t the point of a holiday to feel something so different from the rest of your days? That’s kinda sad from that lense. We slog along for 346 days, to then get 7 days in the sun, and then return to the grind and survive until the next 7 day rescue period…?
Nah.
Maybe there is a way that you can, without it feeling too calculated and too over-processed, to still reflect on what it is about a holiday that can make you feel so good, and weave elements of it even into the rest of your days…maybe it allows us to evaluate how busy and stressed and tired we are feeling and either take steps to cut some of that out of our lives, or find ways to embrace the positive elements that it brings…
Maybe there’s a way to talk to others in a more relaxed, less frantic, and less demanding manner. Maybe there’s a way to build little boosts of holiday highlights into our days, even if that’s as small as stepping away from the busy to feel some sun on our skin for 5 quiet minutes.
Maybe.

I’m taking 5 extra minutes this morning to get a treat coffee as a mini spring break…;)

So it’s been a week of some pretty classically ‘New York Moments.’

Relocating home base has forced us to evaluate a whole lot of things. We are not unique in the juggling game- if anything, we are so fortunate to have as many opportunities and gifts that we do need shift and shuffle and rearrange and prioritize and capture in words, in pictures, in feelings, in memories.

This week was especially….poignant. In many ways, it had moments that so intensely reflected why we made the decision to move here. At a point where we were feeling uncomfortable, uncertain, unmotivated, and unhappy with our safety and our stability ( so ironic), we jumped into this, with no credit to us for any planning or seeking or coordinating or searching in any way. It was really just presented to us. Us assholes, as stated so humbly before. We ‘deserve’ this is in no way, but we are damn-well committed to making the most of whatever this means.

After attending the second of wack-job of wack-job New York events this week ( this one much smaller in scale, but still coloured with an off-Broadway performance (no joke- legit actors singing about the injustices of the princess stories we were raised with) and a room full of incredibly bright, motivated, f$&€ing smart and authentic women ), I came home to ask Brett ‘what he believed in.’ It being Good Friday and all he asked ‘ like, in terms of faith, or…’. No. What do you believe in? What do I believe in? What do you want to stand for?

I might have earlier responded awkwardly with a cute and comical ‘f*#k if I know !’.

But that’s no longer enough.

We are here. We are all counting. We are all mattering. As small as a speck as we are.

I suppose that helps me to articulate that I believe in that. I believe that in as small a way as there is, we can impact each other. And we need to be gentle, and kind, and generous, and respectful and aware.

Brett’s response- life happens and you make the most of it.  We do our best, we try our hardest, we do our kindest, smartest, most sincere acts… And the rest happens….

I’m somewhere in between buying that, and feeling still both a bit cynical and a bit like I’m not doing enough, not pushing enough, not setting the bar high enough.

Prior to the event above, our ‘gang’ here participated in varying (as in VERY varrying) degrees of activities at the goddamn United Nations.  It’s funny- there’s a very fine line between humility (holy shit- we’re at the effing United Nations) and naivety ( holy shit-  we’re at the effing United Nations). See that whole fine line? Being respectful and appreciate and in awe, and also being strong, and informed, and aware, and involved and affected.

Tonight we went for a larger family dinner to a place that we collectively agreed could just become our new Sunday dinner place. A little trattoria, 3 blocks from our place in tribeca, friendly, loud, great food…. The server tonight actually shared my name. First and middle names. No joke.

We’re feeling happy, reflecting on the wackiness of the week, enjoying the comfort the kids are feeling here, and already settling into this place as ‘ours’… And then a cockroach falls on the table. The table. And one person smashes it. And then another. And then the group of adult realizes that the first 2 smashes are useless and we need to ensure that said fu&$er is dead. And we all smash our fists in the vicinity. And there’s a crunch. He’s gone.

We tell Sarah ( she had an ‘h’) and she rolls her eyes, ‘well, it IS an old New York building.’

So – United Nations, Google, and cockroaches in one week.

Shuffling work and kids and home.

One day, one hour, one hippy moment at a time.

Whatever works.

Leaving this panel this week that I watched, the speakers shares their their advice in closing:

-do something. Make it small and easy. And do it tonight.

– listen. That’s how you put the right questions out there

– imagine intensities for yourself. Don’t compromise on your values. Don’t waste time; start now.

– follow a few new people that you can listen to; greatest gift is finding new ideas and new inspirations. Think about something that you really care about and share it with your friends. Ask for feedback from friends

So. Ya.

I’ve also heard people say that it’s all about you managing and controlling your own time, and that’s true and valid and important, I realize. But it’s just hard also keeping others’ time in mind. No shit. But really. Saying ‘make your time count. Do what matters to you. Do what counts.’ It’s all so valid. But sometimes that makes your kids mad. And your husband tired. And they’ll deal; they’ll get over it. But it still counts.

And this is why we breathe and yoga. And try again tomorrow.

I tried something new today.
We had a really great weekend. It was relaxing, inspiring, focused, fun, new, easy, exciting, and… Relaxing. I felt so lucky as we were winding down Sunday night, really reflecting on how nicely everything came together, and how fortunate I felt on so many levels to be able to be experiencing this.
And when the usual panic and dread and pace of Monday-morning readying started to get to me, I really used the energy and good fortune that I recognized and appreciated so much from our weekend to anchor myself. I actually said out loud a few times ( I’ve been talking to myself with increasing frequency since moving here- I’m really fitting in nicely) ‘We were so lucky to have had such a nice weekend. Today is going to be ok.’

As I’ve aged and gained some perspective on both the fragility and beauty of life, I’ve moved away from the ‘just get through today in order to get to tomorrow, which is one step closer to the weekend’ approach. It just has such an undercurrent of potential for sour disappointment; it’s not every day that feels like a gift, like a treasure, like something to be cherished, but there is a hell of a lot that does fit into this category, and I am trying really hard to keep that as present as possible.

But what made this weekend so great?
Saturday we actually felt like we sort of ‘belonged’ to a community for a bit, and neither of us realized that that would actually feel ok…
There was a free Easter Egg hunt that we were invited to through some parents at the school. And I invited some other families. Who showed up.
Of course it was on the rooftop of some random building in Tribeca with expansive views of the Hudson.  But other than that, there was the usual symphony of screaming and snotty-nosed kids, parents looking like they could use an extra shot of espresso, and Pherrel popping along on the distorted sound system. But the kids had a great time. And it resulted in a bunch of us all heading out for a lazy lunch at a Roaring 20’s (inspired or legit, who knows?) bar…spicy Bloody Mary’s for the big kids.

But then this happened…

After our easy lunch, we were then on our way to the Talent Show at Nora’s school to watch her buddies perform.

I made Brett stop and get us flat whites at Hugh Jackman’s coffee shop while I grab $5 roses for her pals from the bodega for after the performance.
The kids and I round the corner to meet Brett outside the coffee shop and I see an Escalade and a driver waiting and think ‘holy shit. I wonder if Hugh is in there today.’
No. It’s Josh Groban.
Brett comes walking out behind him and I’m giving him the ‘holy shit. That guy is Oprah’s pal and forSURE unknown to you because you’re not a 55 year old woman’. He doesn’t get it.
And I explain who he is and he says , ‘he moved out of the way so I could get my Instagram shot, and then ordered a cappuccino .’

From there I’m certain that Josh is going to make a guest appearance at the talent show.
He doesn’t, but basically every kid that performs definitely has at least one parent at Carnegie Hall or on Broadway.  ( and a kindergarten kid sang ‘hooked on a feeling’ acapella. I’m still laughing. I dare anyone to listen to the words and picture a 5 year old singing them without hesitation. )
Our kid’s teacher let us know in our interview this week that Nora is fitting in nicely but that she’s still quite shy and hesitant to speak up or stand up in front of the class. No shit- she’s moved from a sweet and happy little city to, well, THIS!

After the 2 hour show, this same kid handed out her flowers to her performing pals with her brother in tow, and then the four us headed home to order pizza….

Sunday was a day of unscheduled exploring… Started off at Economy Candy, making our way over to the Village for a coffee, and then me enjoying some alone time strolling through  Soho where I bumped into (I might have moved) Elizabeth Banks at the Pearl River Mart check-out. Pretty sure she and I would be friends.

So after a weekend like this I have a combination of ‘what kind of assholes are we to be able to be doing this kind of stuff?’  and ‘soak it alllll up while you can’ thoughts. And facing as many Mondays as possible with a grateful and determined smiled.

I dare you.

We’re leaving the city for hilarious desert California in less than a month.

We were fortunate to have another one of those weekends chalked-full with planned and unplanned experiences… And I’m finding that submitting to the possibility of both of those experiences- some of them timed and researched and coordinated, and some happenstance, allows one to fill up on the nutty and inspiring and buzzing energy that is New York.

In one weekend, we were able to eat in a cavernous subterraneanian restaurant that’s been on our ‘list’ for months, putz around in or favourite world-class museum without rush or itinerary, listen to singers on and off the subway, stroll beneath iconic landmarks where more musicians sang their hearts out, sip some of the best hot chocolate I’ve ever tasted, watch the flocks of pigeons from park benches in more iconic parks, all the while delighting in everyone’s special reaction to these classically romantic New York experiences…. And, yes, there were moments of negotiating through piles and piles of overflowing, and unapologetic garbage bags on even the prettiest of streets, without answer to the ‘is it always like this?’ question…. And there were moments nearing the end of the busy 2 days when there was more squealing in the whiny flavouring than the delighted flavour, but it was a reaction… Spring is in the air, we hope, and we’re excited for a new season in the wackjob of a place..

I’m reading this book.

It’ll be neat to see our reaction to NYC  upon returning from Palm Springs in April…!