This weekend is Mother’s Day here.

Not sure that there is much significance to that fact that I’m in New York for this year’s day, other than that again, any kind of these firsts or milestones  in a new place again make you ( allows you the excuse to) give pause to where you are, and how these new surroundings are affecting you…

I miss my mom every day. Having the chance to reboot so many elements in my life with a move like this ironically makes me even more sentimental and reminiscent, for a chance to share my experiences with her. At least once a day I have a little sparkle where I think of how my mom would have felt about this thing that I saw, or this way that my kid reacted to that, or… She would have been happy. And proud. And encouraging.

She was at a point in her life where it seemed like she was excited to explore her identify, beyond being a mom. She did this throughout her motherhood life, I know, but it was seeming that she was starting to be able to actually actively, intentionally, and excitedly embrace this, guilt-free and maybe even with a sense of duty and responsibility- that it was important and necessary to be doing this.

I know how fortunate I am to have had the previous generations of women establish so much, to allow me the opportunities to even consider being a loud and proud (and tired and stressed and conflicted) working mom… Multi-dimensional, with the many hats hanging out of my work-and-kid-tending-appropriate bag… The office hat probably smeared at times with yogurt raisin mess, and the mom hat stinking a bit like spreadsheets at other times…and then the aspiring-to-create-something-and-be-healthy hat dusty with goldfish at still other times…

I think of how much my Mom did, without seeming to ever acknowledge how many different many hats she was swapping. She just did it. And did so much more than I’ll ever know. There wasn’t the discussion about the struggle. There wasn’t the open debate about where her energies should be going, or about what she was sacrificing in exchange for something else…

A stoic wonder. Without guilt. Without disappointment. Without angst. 

But with dignity. Pride. Responsibility. And love. Ultimately with love and care forever at the core.

Maybe all of those struggles were ultimately at play. I’m sure they were. But we either didn’t have the opportunity yet in our relationship to discuss these, or she chose instead to rationalize or work through these challenges without her kids’ involvement. 

Nothing earth-shattering here. I suppose on this Mother’s Day I am reflecting on the kind of Mom I hope to be… To pay tribute to the kind of Mom I was so lucky and blessed to have had, and to pause and think about what I can be lucky enough to try to impart on my kids. 

Love and care. With my own fashion show as well of forever-swapping hats…