I suppose it is summed up by the realization that I didn’t expect to feel quite as lonely as I did this weekend, when moving to a city of 9 million. Where I know no one.
Common theme, but in the 13 months that we’ve been here, we have thrown ourselves into ourselves. Into settling in to the new normals here, in order to happily take advantage of everything else that isn’t normal. We’ve spent so much time together, taking care of each other, and feeding each other with as many new experiences as possible. And I will forever cherish the time that we’ve had to simplify and focus and relish in each other’s reactions.
Brett returned to YYC this weekend, originally for work, but decided to tack on a few days to be a part of the Walk for Thomas that is held each year to remember our amazing little nephew who was taken far too early. It’s always an extremely emotional weekend, and until moving here, I was part of the team who put this special event together…
I should have anticipated how difficult it was going to be being away here without any of my family, other than my own babies, on this day. I assumed the physical distance from the ‘epicentre’ would outweigh the normal emotions that this event stirs- the profound sadness that I feel for my brother and sister-in-law and niece at their loss, the hope and strength that 400 people coming together in a community can foster, and the reminder to just hug your own kids that much harder today because you can…
But I didn’t anticipate it. I was so focused on trying to do ‘our own thing’ here. To do things that Thomas would have liked. To teach my kids about what a special cousin they had. To let them know that it’s ok to, no, important to remember those that they’ve lost.
And it hit me like a f€£#ing brick wall. Bamn.
I am sad. And hurting. And entirely alone as an adult out here. I’ve made friendly acquaintances here, sure. The cursory ‘kid in my class hellos’ and ‘you have a nice weekend’ exchanges at the schoolyard and office.
But it hit me that I was starkly alone. In a city of 9 million. With no one who I knew knew our story and my pain that day.
So. Do I work to build those relationships now? Do I settle with the friendships that remain at a certain depth, and take comfort in the deeper relationships I have in other ports? Do I want everyone in every new city necessarily knowing ‘ my story’? Or is it a chance to create a new set of stories here?
I watched ‘aloha’ last night and have some wine. The wine was good. The movie was pretty bad but perfect for the evening.
Some time this week to test myself at being calm and patient and focused at home and at work as both are busy this week, and Brett is gone for a few more days.
Be kind, Monday…!